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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  April 23, 2012 10:00am-10:30am PDT

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(cheers and applause). >> jon: that's our show, here it is, your moment of zen. >> jeffrey neely didn't show up to the g.s.a. hearing on the hill but that didn't mean he wasn't seen because here he is taking a daytime dip in a hot tub with what l >> stephen: tonight, what are they feeding our chickens? god i hope it's beef! (laughter) then, a scandal rocks a government agency. did the federal reserve have a nip slip? (laughter)
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and my guest jonah lehrer says most new ideas are actually i would. well, that's original. (laughter) a connecticut five-year-old brought 50 bags of heroin to his class for show and tell. well, at least he brought enough for everyone. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. i have to say the sunshine of your love opens me like a new spring rose. (laughter) welcome to the "report," everybody. nation, it's finally happening. america is falling in love with the idea of liking mitt romney. (laughter) and that can just get exactly enough of him. in fact, a gallup tracking poll has him beating obama by five points! and it might be more since mitt hides some of his points in the cayman islands. (laughter) well, folks, i for one know why america is jumping on the romney bandwagon. or at the very least being tied to the top of it. people are finally starting to learn how warm and down to earth mitt really is thanks to this interview with diane sawyer. >> who's funnier, you or senator barack obama
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>> i have no idea how funny he is in real life. and people don't know me tearbly well from the kinds of prank wes play and what it's like in a home with five boys but most of our dinner table events were involving humor of one kind or another. (laughter) most of which can't be repeated on the air. (laughter) >> yes, at his dinner table events he involved humor of one kind or another. often producing warmth and feelings of electability. (laughter) i think we can all relate to how humor is enjoyable. for instance when someone discards the casing of a yellow skarjy fruit on the floor and someone else who is not you comes along and perhaps-- ethnic minority, let's say-- and slips causing mild injury and loss of dignity. that makes my lung pulsate with short bursts of air with an "h" in front. ha ha. ha. and you'll notice he said his pranks...
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>> can't be repeated on the air. >> and without further information i have to assume that involves mitt climbing on the table and dropping a deuce in the pasta bowl. (cheers and applause) nation, i have a very discriminating palate, you should hear what my taste buds say about mexicans. (laughter) this is thought for food. now first up normally i love starbucks, especially their strawberries and crown frappuccino because it's delicious blend of strawberries, milk and ice with a swirl of whipped cream and absolutely no ground up bugs in it. so i thought. >> reporter: starbucks uses ground up insects to get that bright pink color. the bugs come from mexico and south america. they are dried out before
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they're ground up into an extract. >> some vegetarians, though, are upset because they thought if they ordered a soy strawberry frappe it was completely animal free. >> stephen: now, don't get me wrong, i'm all for making vegetarians eat a bug. (laughter) but now i'm eating a buck. imagine when i found out cool blues are a berry gatorade was colored with powdered smurf. i almost smurfed my pants. now to defend their choice of color additive starbucks released this statement. "while the strawberry base isn't a vegan product it helps us move away from artificial dyes." (laughter) well, okay. but if you don't want artificial dyes to color your strawberry drinks, maybe there's some kind of fruit that's red. (laughter) and now i've learned that we've been eating these bugs for years. apparently they're used in all sorts of foods, including fruit
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cups, grapefruit juice and fruit fly by the foot. (laughter) so to keep bugs out of your food, do what i do. spray everything you eat with a thick coat of deep woods off. it will burn. but that's how you know it's working. (laughter) next up, i love pizza hut. it's so much better than the food at sun glass hut. and the food test pilots at the hus are always pushing the crust envelope and jamming cheese in their. folks, i salute their latest creation. the hot dug stuffed crust pizza. (audience reacts) yeah, forget meat lovers pizza, this is meat stalkers pizza. (laughter) and they've hid the body in the crawl space. (laughter) nation, i have always been a huge fan of unexpected hot dogs.
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(laughter) i have just one problem with the hot dog stuffed pizza. it's available only in the u.k. excuse me? i thought british foot was about stuffing things into animal intestines not the other way around. (laughter) everybody know it is hot dog is as american as apple pie stuffed pizza crust. (laughter) we must reclaim the throne by cramming hot dogs into every available weaner-shaped food area. jam one into a cannoli, put one in a banana, stuff one in a yogurt! or, or, take the hot dog stuffed crust pizza one step further. how about stuffing that dog with another pizza and that pizza's crust with another hot dog and that contains another hot dog embedded pizza and so on and so
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on. (cheers and applause) wow. exploring the infinite boundaries of the pizza hot dog continuum really makes you thirsty. i could go for some hot dog stuffed lemonade. finally, folks, when it comes to chicken, i like it deep fried and slathered in pharmaceuticals. >> tonight, frightening news about what could be on your dinner table. scientists report chicken feed on large factory farms routinely contain caffeine banned antibiotics with some of the same ingredients in tylenol and benadryl. >> studies found that things like arsenic and prozac are in some poultry products. >> stephen: now we know why the chicken crossed the road. to get to his dealer. (laughter) evidently poultry farms give chicken caffeine to keep them
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awake so they can eat more and prozac to reduce anxiety. i don't know why chickens are anxious about living in a shoe box sized cage with thousands of their closest friends eating all day and wallowing in their own filth. i loved college. (laughter) no surprise... (cheers and applause) no surprise, folks so loco vors out thereto are alarmed that traces of these drugs may still be in the chicken we eat. i couldn't be happier. i assume because my chicken contains a fair amount of prozac. (laughter) so let me take you through my new weekly pill regimen. okay? (laughter) monday right here i've got my xanax nuggets. the strongest dark meat you can get without a prescription. (laughter) tuesday i've got my blazeen buffalo benadryl which i dip into wednesday's hidden valley
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robe us the seine. thursday i've got my lipitor it from at the a which keeps my blood pressure low enough to have another it from at the a and friday night i've got k.f. cialis. (cheers and applause) the chicken may be boneless, but you won't be. (cheers and applause) we'll be right back.
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it began with my big toe. that was my first amputation that i had. buerger's disease -- it's a vascular disease brought on by smoking. my fingers started to go piece by piece. first it was my left leg. after my left leg, it was my right leg. and so now i'm a double amputee all from smoking. my tip to everyone is: don't believe that this can't happen to you, because it can. you can quit. for free help, call 1-800-quit-now.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. wow. wow. thank you. thank you. welcome back. thank you for tuning in at home. the a big thank you to everyone here in the studio because i will be planning all of... claiming all of them as dependents. of course, today is tax day, folks, where we are forced as a nation to hand over our hard-earned cash to the washington fat cats thank god it happens once only every four years. what's that? i thought it was like the olympics. (laughter) well then why is michael phelps my accountant? (laughter) anyway, this year we are reminded why the government
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doesn't deserve a dime of my money. we all know the general services administration has been blowing our busted vegas on wine, hot tubs and apparently man perms. now the star of this cialis commercial waiting to erupt is g.s.a. commissioner jeff neely, supposedly scouting locations for the now-infamous $800,000 g.s.a. retreat. i haven't talked about this story much so far because i new my buddies were on it like white on fox. (laughter) >> listen to this one. $146,000 for catering, $75,000 for team building exercises, $6,300 for commemorative coins and $8,100 for books. >> a $3 2,00 mind reader and $7 worth of sushi. >> we'll tell you about the latest g.s.a. spending outrage. >> the latest outrages from the
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g.s.a.. outrage continues. outrage. outrage. >> if you're not outrage there had's really something wrong with you. (laughter) >>. >> stephen: don't worry about me greta. i have a raging rage on because $8,100 for a conference yearbook? i assume jeff neely was voted most likely to resign. well, yesterday someone finally held the g.s.a. accountable. watch california congressman and daryl american daryl issa pull the stopper on jeff neely's tub of lies. >> mr. neely, what is your title at g.s.a.? >> mr. chairman, on the advice of council i respectfully decline to answer based on my fifth amendment constitutional privilege. (laughter) >> mr. neely, did you attend the 2010 western regional conference in las vegas. >> mr. chairman, on the advice of my counsel i respectfully decline to answer based upon my fifth amendment constitutional
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privilege. >> stephen: that's right. he wouldn't answer any questions. if issa wants to get anything out of him he'll have to pay $3,200 for a mind reader. (cheers and applause) so the question is what is jeff neely hiding because in this picture it's not much. who is he protecting? who's really responsible? >> it happened under president obama's watch. >> that blame has to go right to the president. he's the guy in charge. he's the c.e.o. and his department heads are out there throwing out money away. you should put the responsibility where it lies. >> stephen: yes! the president is responsible for anything the government does while he's in office! i waited 17 minutes at the post office today and there was an empty window there the whole time. where was obama? (laughter) but, folks, that tub goes deeper. notice that there are two wine glasses in that photo.
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(audience reacts) who was the other one for? and come to think of it, who took the photo? someone else had to be in that bathroom and when you eliminate everyone i don't want it to be, there's only one person it could be, barack obama! (cheers and applause) i mean, it makes sense. this happened on his watch. oh, surely the secret service wouldn't have let that happen. oh, i suppose if they weren't too busy banging hookers in the next room! and, folks, i ask you, if it wasn't obama why is he smiling in this photo? and you may ask was this photo shopped? yes but it was photo shopped on his watch. (laughter) we'll be right back. at 1-800-contacts, we deliver every brand, right to your door. that's right. and order from us and you'll also save money.
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>> stephen: (cheers and applause) welcome black. my guest tonight has a new book about how creativity works. i will ask him a series of questions. please welcome jonah lairer are. (cheers and applause) hey, jonah, thanks for coming back. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: you're one of the contributing editors of "wired" you write for the "new yorker" and the "wall street journal." so you're cranking out material all the time. you're one of those creative types, right? >> i try. >> stephen: you're a creative tape. okay. so you've got a new book here called "imagine. how creativity works." first of all, you stole your it toole from john lennon so... (laughter) who are you to speak on creativity. >> one of the themes of the book that these ideas we assume
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people invent out of thin air.... >> stephen: they do. the muse comes down speaks through them, it's a lightning bolt and rarefied. >> that's really new connections between old ideas. the human mind is the connection. i think we've had this myth of the muses for far too long. we've outsourced the imagination when it really comes from these three pounds of meat right inside here. (laughter) >> three pounds? >> stephen: just over 12 watts of electricity. >> so it's a pretty efficient computer but it can make these astonishing connections between these ideas that people have never seen a connection before. >> stephen: but there are creative people and then there are noncreative people. >> no, that's.... >> stephen: no, i just said there were. (laughter) >> that's one of the very dangerous myths. you can see these mirrored in school kids. you can ask a second grader
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saying "are you createive? " and they'll say "i love to paint, i love to draw." by fifth graders it's down to 50%. by the time they're high school seniors 90% of kids say they're not. >> stephen: because if you say you're a creative type that makes you punchable, right? >> creativity is actually a universal talent, it's something we all have and we can get better at it. i wanted to show people how the imagination works so i can make it work better. >> stephen: how does it work? >> so let's say you're working with a really hard problem, a problem that probably requires a moment of insight. what scientists have found that although most people assume the way to solve that problem is to focus, focus, focus, chug a cup of coffee, chain yourself at your desk, stair at your computer screen, that's backwards. when you need a moment of insight you have to find a way to get relaxed, take a hot shower, go for a hike, drink a beer, people who are drunk, they solve 30% more of these very difficult creative puzzles. (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: really. >> because they're more relaxed and more likely to daydream. daydreaming turns out to be more likely to be createive. >> stephen: i'm not an alcoholic i'm a create-o-hall i can. >> there's a... you need a big break through, you need to make time to waste time. so it's a great justification for laziness. >> so i hope teenagers aren't watching this right now. (laughter) >> of course you have to put in the point... the work. you need the perspiration that then requires inspiration and then even after you have the big idea you have to put in the work and refine that idea and make it sewellable for the real world. so it's not just about taking a shower. you have to put in the work to get to that point but once you hit the block it's important to find a way to take a break. >> stephen: you say that new ideas come from old ideas.
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what do you mean by that? >> well, when you look at the history of innovation even the most radical breakthroughs are just combinations.... >> stephen: hot dogs in pizza crusts. >> perfect example. >> and the gutenberg printing press is just a wine press apply odd the written word. or the google algorithms was applied to the web. >> stephen: the creative act would be seeing something that already exists and saying i want to use that in a different way? >> exactly. a new connection between.... >> stephen: that's also theft. hey, i like your car. i'd like to use that in a different way. like me driving it. is that an act of creativity? >> it can a fine line. when someone asked bob dylan where his songs came from he said "they begin with act of
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love." you in a sense remember it and that's an important part of creativity which is important to create a culture where people can borrow from the ideas of others. so william shakespeare, a creative guy, he stole most of his plots. he didn't like coming up with his own stories but he had access to a publishing industry that gave him lots of stories to steal and nobody stopped him. so you see this again and again among very, very creative people that they are very open minded, they read everything, they're incredibly curious and they feel a lot. >> stephen: steve jobs, you said he might be one of the most creative people in our lifetime. but everyone would say that, right? that's not really a creative comment. (laughter) or is it createive that you stole that from everyone's lips? >> i think jobs was incredibly good at managing creativity. >> stephen: you say creative people are between eight and 40 times more likely to be manic-depressive. >> yes.
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>> stephen: that is... a rough stat. and it's a high price to pay for being creative. >> yes, it and it's very important to be clear that suffering from the sake of your art is still suffering. it's a.... >> stephen: will suffering make you creative? do you have to kind of have a (bleep)y childhood? (laughter) >> no. >> stephen: you can be happy and creative. >> stephen: you can still write a good novel even if you had a happy child. >> oh, that's fantastic. well, thank you so much. >> thank you. >> stephen: jonah, thank you. jonah lehrer. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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